Saturday, October 15, 2005 I think I have serious mental issues. Maybe obsessive compulsive...maybe. I want to be the best. I think of things during the day that will make me "the best"...and it usually has to do with my looks. I went to Walmart last night at two in the morning to buy that straightening iron that dries your hair while it straightens (it's friggin awesome, by the way.) I could spend hours looking at makeup trying to find THE perfect item that will make me look better. You should see how many beauty products I have. Go to Walmart and look at their plastic bin isle. I have one of the bigger ones full of beauty products that I don't even use anymore. I've taken up both Travis' and my dresser tops with all my stuff. I have three or four different kinds of shampoo, three kinds of soap, countless face washes, lotions, eye liners, mascaras...I have MILLIONS of lip glosses. I only have one kind of foundation, powder, and deodorant, though. (I guess I'm kind of proud of that.) I have seven different perfumes/body sprays that I can think of at this moment. ...and I'm not happy. I could spend weeks at the mall looking at shirts, shoes, and jeans and find hundreds of outfits, but I probably still wouldn't be happy. Does that stop me from looking? Hell no. I still do. I'm driven to those aisles at every store. I have to go into my favorite shops at the mall. I must go into the shoe stores. Seriously, I have a bad day if I'm not wearing something I feel comfortable in or I think my outfit looks bad on me. I will have a bad day if I hate the shoes I'm wearing. I will have a bad day if my socks don't match or if one shoe is tighter than the other. I will have a bad day if my hair isn't exactly how I picture it should look. If there is a weird smell lingering on the clothes I'm wearing, I will hate myself and not go near anyone else. I will be in a bad mood until I get rid of that smell. I cannot stand weird or bad smells. At work, I try to organize everything. I will start putting our pulls in alphabetical order. I have to do my pulls starting at one machine to the next and I can't change the order later on. I get things down into a system. There's a certain way I make my packages and I can't stand when other people make one because it's always different. I can't understand why other people do stuff the way they do. It just doesn't make sense. Mary Ellen will initial the pull sheet before she does anything else. How dumb is that? Half the time she forgets to write in the sequence number and it's like, "I wonder why." I've never forgotten to write in a sequence number...but anyway, I put in a transfer so I don't have to put up with this crap anymore. Now I'm going to be a sorter...sorting mail by zip codes, carrier routes, and whatever else. Now I'll get to be as neurotic as I want and no one will care. Why does it drive me crazy that I'm totally freakin crazy?? I can't stand this! It's like a war is going on inside my head every day. I've been talking to Brian, our new mechanic, and he seems really nice. But then he goes and talks to other people and I get like insane. I don't know what it is. I can't handle it when people I like are being friendly with other people. It's like they're all going to leave me...which is pretty much what everyone else has done in my life, so it's no wonder that's one of my biggest fears. Is there something wrong with me??? 1:57 AM [link] ----------------------------------------------------------- Monday, October 10, 2005 Oh, what it would be like to have friends again. I mean friends that listen to you, care about you, do stuff with you... I miss it. The last thing I did with someone was I went with Kim to get my hair done. Now she follows me around like a lost puppy. Before that, I went with Cheryl to get our tongues pierced. She doesn't work in the same department as me, so I hardly get to talk to her. This freakin sucks. All I do is work, eat, sleep, and occasionaly go up to my church to edit something. I actually went into Victoria's Secret yesterday and bought something nice for myself. If you talked to Travis, he'd tell you that I always buy stuff for myself, but he's thinking stuff like toothbrushes, deoderant, etc. I rarely buy "pampering" stuff for myself. I haven't had a pedicure since I quit the salon. (And the last one I got I gave myself!) The last manicure I got I did myself. I cut my own hair not too long ago. I give myself facials. I light candles at the kitchen table to make it feel like I'm eating at a fancy restaurant. Some people might think I'm just being money savy. I'm not. I just never get to do any of those things because I have no one to do them with. Travis refuses to go anywhere near the mall or restaurants (other than Denny's, Kings, and Eatn' Park.) He definitely wouldn't go with me to a salon. That's why I need a GIRL friend. "Why don't you go with Kim?" you ask. Yeah, remember how our last excursion turned out? If not, check the previous post. Plus, she's just really weird. I mean, she's a nice girl, but I think there might be a personality clash or something. Katie refuses to move back up here, especially now that she's dating some a-hole down there. I haven't talked to Becka since May...and those were the only two friends I had left here. Sure, I could hang out with the other girls I went to school with. Oh yeah, Deanna and Ashley never really kept in touch, Liz has a baby and should be having another one soon, and I haven't seen Toni since Katie visited last. This is actually pretty funny. Four years ago, this blog was about me whining about how I didn't have a boyfriend. Now I'm whining about how I don't have a girl friend, ha ha! Funny how life's like that. On a musical note (tee hee), I got to listen to more of my Jessica Simpson CD that someone burned for me. She is such a great singer. I think I might get out my Newly Wed DVDs and watch them again. 1:36 AM [link] ----------------------------------------------------------- Sunday, October 09, 2005 What is wrong with me? Why do people not like me? I've been screwed over so many times when I was younger, but I thought I was past that. But no. These past two months I've gotten screwed over twice. The first time was when I was going to go to the Summit to work out with Kim, a friend from work. We were supposed to meet at ten in the morning. I got there at 9:45 and waited...and waited...and waited...until it was 10:30 and then I just left. Screw her. She explained later at work that her daughter got an ear infection that night and yadda yadda. I gave her my cell phone number, she could have called me. Then tonight, I was supposed to go to a punk show. I was getting really excited about it and hurried to get ready so that I wouldn't be late. The show started at 6, but the band I was going to see (people from work) was going to be there at five to hang out. It took me longer than I thought to get ready, but I made it there at exactly 5:00...and there was one other car. No one I knew was there yet. Luckily one of the kids that was there I knew barely from talking to him online. He eventually left to go pick some girls up and I was left with this kid that I didn't even know for about 45 minutes. Then one by one people started showing up. A few band member here, a couple more there. I think there was only one whole band there by 6...and it wasn't the one I was there to see. There was no sign of any familiar faces. More and more people poured in and everyone just looked at me like I was a freak. No one knew me and I didn't know anyone, I felt like an outcast...even though I was pretty sure that I was at least four years older than everyone there. Around 6:30 I decided to just bail. I hadn't paid yet to get in, so I just walked out to my car and drove away. They all probably thought I was crazy...or that I was going to buy them all beer or something. Fat chance. So I just drove to McDonald's and got some food and went home to sulk in the outfit I had put together. I suddenly felt really, really stupid. But why? Why should I feel stupid when someone else screws me over? Shouldn't THEY feel stupid? They never do. Hi, I'm Mary, the Welcome Mat. Just walk right over me, it doesn't hurt. Everyone else does it. At least I got to see a fellow grad today at the mall. It was nice to see her, since I hadn't in a while. We talked for a bit and she actually rang me up. I wanted to tell her to call me or something, but the fears I had around her from high school bubbled back up and I just said, "I'll see ya around, I guess." I feel like everyone I was "friends" with in high school just hung out around me because, to be honest, there weren't many people to hang around with. At one point, I believe it was she that said, "I have friends in school and friends outside of school. I'm not really friends with anyone from school outside of school." So what am I supposed to think now when I see her? That she never really was my friend? She was the first friend I had when we moved here and I was in the third grade. So what happened? Well, we got a new Mary and the new Mary became her best friend. The new Mary also liked to make fun of me, the old Mary, and so did the rest of the class. So then I was friends with another girl, who didn't really have any friends. But when she met my OTHER friend, THEY became best friends and left me out of the picture. There's always someone better than me. Always. And for some reason, I can't handle that. 1:31 AM [link] ----------------------------------------------------------- Saturday, October 01, 2005 Geez, finally, a new layout. I can always count on Alex Greenwald for inspiration. My tongue feels a lot better, if anyone cares. I switched out the one I got pierced with for a 5/8 inch one I bought at Wal*Mart. Much, MUCH better. We bought a Playstation 2 last night. Travis played it for a good three hours while I sat here and updated my website. He bought a NASCAR game and I got a game called Indigo Prophecies. It's alright. You like kill some dude in a bathroom and then have to run from the police and stuff. Five minutes into the game I got arrested. I really suck. 5:16 AM [link] ----------------------------------------------------------- September 2001 October 2001 November 2001 December 2001 January 2002 February 2002 March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 May 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 September 2005 October 2005 February 2007 home Navigation: --> me ---> blog archives ----> my friends -----> art work ------> poetry -------> writings --------> stuff for you